Baby Fever

Watching a movie with the greatest man on the planet, thinking about work, life, and where we really want to be. My thoughts, at this point in our lives, are basically directed towards our career goals and, the popular topic among the two of us, children. So, as I thought about having some babies of our own, I realized how many people I know, either, already have kids or are pregnant. HOLY MOSES there are a lot! I began to feel depressed and jealous...not a great way to feel, especially when your supposed to be happy for these wonderful women. I started dissecting the reasons behind this unhealthy jealousy and it definitely roots from our miscarriage 2 years ago.

A little background...I found out I was pregnant right after Father's Day in 2008. I was ecstatic! We were approaching our first anniversary, we had just purchased a home, and Jonathan and I were doing well in our career ventures. We immediately told everyone, as any excited couple would do. 3 and a half weeks later, the fourth of July, Jonathan's grandfather passed away. We were devastated by this loss and it was almost too much to handle. The same day I began spotting and realized I was losing our baby. To add to an already difficult situation, try realizing you were going to have to tell your grieving family. Not an easy situation, making it go from bad to worse. After visiting the doctor she made me feel that much worse by explaining to me that they call this a "sporadic abortion". WHAT? I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong. Why can EVERYONE else carry a baby, BUT me. What is going on? Why would God let this happen? I had failed. I was defeated, and depressed, beyond anything that can be placed in words.

2 years later with the help of some counseling, and prayer, I have begun to heal from the loss, but now I've got something new to overcome. Jealousy. I seriously feel crazy, when thinking about having a baby. The problem is, it comes and goes....when I find out someone is pregnant I think about becoming a mom non-stop. Obsessive. Then when I realize where I'm at with my career and what Jonathan and I want to accomplish, it subsides and I'm fine. Welcome to my crazy mind....

So, I'm thinking about my jealous and unhealthy behavior and I began to pray. Father God, rid me of my jealous psychotic thoughts. (He's got a sense of humor) I need you to guide me, lead me, and comfort me. I pray you give me a sense of peace that passes all understanding and calm me down. Lord, I'm open to any and all suggestions...seriously. I have nothing else to hold on to. I'm at the end of a struggle to control the situation. You and You alone are in control. Praise you Father for your love and wisdom...Wow, amazing how even typing it allows me to just be in the "prayer zone". A place I LOVE to be.

So, what came from my prayer? My God told me, your time is coming. My child blessed are those who seek Me and express the desires of their heart. He loves me that much. He understands and acknowledges the desires of my heart. The thing I realized is that my timing has nothing to do with it. His timing is perfect, never too early, never late. That in itself comforts me, knowing I don't have to worry about it. Thank you Lord for allowing me to relax...focusing on the more important things like my relationship with you. Allowing me to build my faith so when His perfect timing arrives, I can teach them that our Heavenly Father adores us and gives us the desires of our hearts when we're seeking His will.

goals

I couldn't wait to grow up...I always wanted MORE responsibility and more privileges, but with that comes something that no kid expects. It's called life. Where the unexpected, unknown, and sometimes unwelcome events, people, and things somehow interrupt your current bliss. Whether that "bliss" is coffee, a moment to yourself, or just a breath of fresh air, life seems to have a way of disrupting this. Now, not always is life bad. These unexpected, unknown, and sometimes unwelcome events, people, and things turn into some of the best moments in life. I was always told that you can plan all you want, but things will change. So, you make plans anyway, create goals and ideas, and life either cooperates or doesn't. For ALL of my married life, at least, I have been so set in my ways of planning that I have forgotten to be spontaneous. How in the world am I supposed to make something out of this life with so many unknowns even with my so-called plans? The answer hit me like a Greyhound Bus tonight as I was writing out a 6 month plan for my life...it is so simple and I don't know how I have seemed to overlook this simple solution. Pray. That's it, all I have to do is let it ALL go and leave it in the hands of the ULTIMATE planner. I have spent the last 3 years of my marriage attempting to be a good wife and make plans for our future and I've neglected to take into account His plan. I have used my own planning skills against myself, and in turn causing life to turn on me and have in the mean time allowed Him to redirect me right to where we started. My plans now have failed, defeated I now am faced with yet another choice...but with the life experience behind me, I make an educated decision to just let go. Give everything over to my Father in Heaven and allow him to direct my decisions. Why would I do it alone when I have the Ultimate Planner right by my side? He allows for relaxation, those moments you need every now and then, He allows for spontaneity, but in the same sense allows for your grief, and frustration. As I realize this, I still am shocked it took me this long to take it all in. It is 2 weeks before my 22nd birthday and I constantly think I feel older, because of my "life experience" and suddenly I feel like I am almost 22 and very young and not as smart as I thought. This is something I didn't even think was going to be my conclusion at the end of this 6 month plan I had just created. Amazing how He works in the most mysterious ways. Now, for my goal...LET GO and give it ALL to Him! Any concern, question, want, need, hope, desire, dream...all of it. This is the ONLY way to walk through this life. It's not easy, but this is life it's a game. Cheaters will win, and those who are honest will win, but at the end, it's not about winning, it's about the journey of how you got there that truly matters.