Baby Fever

Watching a movie with the greatest man on the planet, thinking about work, life, and where we really want to be. My thoughts, at this point in our lives, are basically directed towards our career goals and, the popular topic among the two of us, children. So, as I thought about having some babies of our own, I realized how many people I know, either, already have kids or are pregnant. HOLY MOSES there are a lot! I began to feel depressed and jealous...not a great way to feel, especially when your supposed to be happy for these wonderful women. I started dissecting the reasons behind this unhealthy jealousy and it definitely roots from our miscarriage 2 years ago.

A little background...I found out I was pregnant right after Father's Day in 2008. I was ecstatic! We were approaching our first anniversary, we had just purchased a home, and Jonathan and I were doing well in our career ventures. We immediately told everyone, as any excited couple would do. 3 and a half weeks later, the fourth of July, Jonathan's grandfather passed away. We were devastated by this loss and it was almost too much to handle. The same day I began spotting and realized I was losing our baby. To add to an already difficult situation, try realizing you were going to have to tell your grieving family. Not an easy situation, making it go from bad to worse. After visiting the doctor she made me feel that much worse by explaining to me that they call this a "sporadic abortion". WHAT? I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong. Why can EVERYONE else carry a baby, BUT me. What is going on? Why would God let this happen? I had failed. I was defeated, and depressed, beyond anything that can be placed in words.

2 years later with the help of some counseling, and prayer, I have begun to heal from the loss, but now I've got something new to overcome. Jealousy. I seriously feel crazy, when thinking about having a baby. The problem is, it comes and goes....when I find out someone is pregnant I think about becoming a mom non-stop. Obsessive. Then when I realize where I'm at with my career and what Jonathan and I want to accomplish, it subsides and I'm fine. Welcome to my crazy mind....

So, I'm thinking about my jealous and unhealthy behavior and I began to pray. Father God, rid me of my jealous psychotic thoughts. (He's got a sense of humor) I need you to guide me, lead me, and comfort me. I pray you give me a sense of peace that passes all understanding and calm me down. Lord, I'm open to any and all suggestions...seriously. I have nothing else to hold on to. I'm at the end of a struggle to control the situation. You and You alone are in control. Praise you Father for your love and wisdom...Wow, amazing how even typing it allows me to just be in the "prayer zone". A place I LOVE to be.

So, what came from my prayer? My God told me, your time is coming. My child blessed are those who seek Me and express the desires of their heart. He loves me that much. He understands and acknowledges the desires of my heart. The thing I realized is that my timing has nothing to do with it. His timing is perfect, never too early, never late. That in itself comforts me, knowing I don't have to worry about it. Thank you Lord for allowing me to relax...focusing on the more important things like my relationship with you. Allowing me to build my faith so when His perfect timing arrives, I can teach them that our Heavenly Father adores us and gives us the desires of our hearts when we're seeking His will.